I Hate Everything About You
by only-because3
Summary: Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry. BLkinda mentions LP


Hey Everyone! I have yet anothr oneshot for y'all one that I think is MUCH better than Letter 83!Thanks to Cass for beta-ing it for me. I got the idea from the quote at the begining of the story. I hope y'all enjoy!

_"Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry."_

He turned to look at me and all I wanted do was cry. He makes me do that all the time. He breaks my heart - he rips it out of my chest and stomps on it. He pulls me back in and makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, only to stab my heart once more with my skinny blonde bitch of a friend.

One day he smiled at me and that was all it took for me to be enthralled by him. One kiss and the walls I had oh so perfectly constructed around my heart were torn down. He held me in his arms and all I wanted to do was stay that way forever. I know now that it could've never stayed that way because forever is much too short and he was always wishing a blonde was in his arms instead of me.

We passed each other in the hall, making awkward eye contact before actually passing one another. He turned away, hoisting his backpack higher on to his shoulder. I was ready to offer him a smile and he wanted nothing to do with me. He treats me like a rag doll he found in the gutter.

He can cheat on me, he can hate me, he can never call me, he can accuse me of being a liar, he can call me a whore, he can do everything under the sun to me and I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Love is too strong of an emotion to erase and knowing that I can't stop loving him makes me want to cry more because he obviously never loved me at all. If he did he'd be just as miserable as me. He'd offer me a smile when we pass. He'd go out of his way to see me and he would have never cheated on me.

He's only ever loved her and now he only has eyes for her. When I walk into a room now I am ignored, his eyes never travel towards me. His eyes only travel towards her like a magnet flying towards a piece of metal.

He spins her around on the dance floor and whispers sweet nothings in her ear. He holds her chair out for her and always says 'Bless You' when she sneezes. He calls her every night before he goes to sleep and he calls her when he wakes up every morning because her voice is the first and last thing he wants to hear every day.

As I watch all that I can think of his how he used to not do that to me. He would occasionally take me to dance, but he would only whisper sweet nothings in my ear after we finished having sex. He never pulled my chair out and he wouldn't say 'Bless You' because I honestly can't recall ever sneezing in front of him. He didn't call me every night or every morning, sometimes he'd go weeks without calling.

I smile and say that I'm happy for them because that's what I'm supposed to do. I won't become the bitter ex girlfriend like I had become before. I won't drown away my sorrows in alcohol. I won't talk trash about them and tell them I hate them.

Instead I will become Peyton's best friend. I will be civil to Lucas. I won't touch a drop of alcohol. I will listen to Peyton rant about her love for Lucas and I will suck it all up and slap a smile on my face. And of course I'll wait until I get home to cry myself to sleep. That's the one thing that won't change.

As I cry I always think about how stupid I am. How could I have ever thought he wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him? He just wanted a lay.

How could I ever think that he could be mine? He has always been and always will be Peyton's.

How could I go around and brag about how Lucas was finally in my arms and that we were in love? I was the only one that committed to the relationship. I was the only one in love.

How could I have said that people who were meant for each other end up with each other in the end? It seemed that I was really talking about him and Peyton, not the two of us.

How can I continue loving him when he has turned me into something I hate? The pathetic ex-girlfriend who can't let go of what she had.

He only said he loved me because he needed me. He couldn't be alone while waiting for Peyton so he turned to old reliable Brooke Davis, wrapping me in a big web of lies.

I said that I needed him because I loved him. I didn't like living each day without seeing his face or hearing his voice. When I didn't, I felt empty inside and I still feel that way. And because I feel like that I made the ultimate sacrifice: my own happiness for his.

When he does talk to me, the small talk we make when Peyton leaves us alone I simply nod. I try to hide my pain and hurt behind dimpled smiles. I keep my mouth shut because if I open it I know everything will spill out of my mouth:

I hate you Lucas Eugene Scott. I hate that you've fucked me over. I hate that I still care about you and I still care about that curly headed ho. I hate that I live each day hoping to catch a glance of you in the hall because I know that soon I won't even be on the same coast as you. I hate that as I fall sleep I wonder if you're thinking of me because all I do is think of you before I cry myself to sleep. I hate that I wonder where you are on our anniversary, if you're on top of her like you were once on top of me. I hate that I spend the class we share wondering what college you're going to and if your mother is okay. I hate that you won't even look at me unless you're forced. I hate what you put me through and I hate you even more for saying you loved me. I hate the way you sing off key and I hate the way you smile. I hate the way you roll your eyes at me and I hate that you pretend to care. I hate that you made me read that boring ass book and I hate you for laughing at me when I try to be serious. The thing I hate most of all is that despite everything, I can't help myself because I am 100 percent head over heels, truly, madly, deeply in love with you.


End file.
